The Elements of Skilful Communication
You’ve probably at some time thought something like “If only they would darn well communicate better, we wouldn’t have this problem”.
And you have probably also realised we can’t change others and how they communicate, especially by telling them how bad they are! But we can change how we turn up, and how we communicate.
From my experience, changing how we approach conversations can make a big difference.
What are some of the elements of skilful communication?
· Knowing yourself well, having mature self-awareness, knowing your triggers/hot spots. Speaking from conscious choice, not randomly out of habit or reaction.
· Staying open, curious and caring. Rather than coming into a conversation with an agenda, with trying to get our own way, try coming into it with openness and curiosity to see how it unfolds when you create the space to hear the other person.
· Deep listening – whatever anyone is saying, not taking it personally, but hearing their feelings and needs, particularly their needs – what is most important to this person in this situation? I say to myself - “regardless of how you express yourself, I want to understand what is important to you. I won’t try to change or manipulate you with my advice or my opinions, for now, I just want to hear and understand you deeply”.
· Being clear about what is important to you, your values and needs. And having a deep understanding that whenever we feel an emotion or have a judgement there is an underlying need, something is really important to us. Knowing the difference between a need and a strategy and how to voice our needs in a way that others can hear.
· Connection – without creating connection and understanding with another person, communication is not really taking place. We can throw our statements, opinions and solutions at another person, but it is not likely going to have any impact, apart from make things worse, if we are not connected and able to hear each other.
· Asking permission – not just springing a difficult conversation on another person, but consciously asking “Are you up to speaking about …” and then creating a time and space which support you both to speak skilfully.
· Owning your stuff
o rather than “I feel …(angry, upset, frazzled) because you…(made us late) “
o “I feel …(angry, upset, frazzled) because …(being on time and collaborating together to do this) is super important to me”
· Self-care and knowing your limits, when you are unable to do this and start to become reactive or take things personally, or the other person has crossed a line for you, knowing how to withdraw and attend to yourself or getting support/help.
