Stay or Leave?
It can be an excruciating process deciding whether to stay in a long term relationship or to leave it. It can be one of the biggest decisions of your life, and trying to make the decision can take up massive mental and emotional energy, distracting you from work and family.
(If there is any form of abuse in your relationship I recommend you seek help.)
It can be a difficult decision as there are usually many good reasons to leave and as many good reasons to stay. I would like to explore some of the reasons to stay and ‘work’ on your relationship and how Relationship Mediation fits in.
Some points to consider when grappling with the question to stay or to leave:
1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?
This can be a big factor to consider. Many people who say they want to separate still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to ongoing unresolved issues in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness and the relationship becomes distant and unsatisfying. Or mid-life malaise can set in.
It can be really difficult to address issues that have been building up over years and are corroding the core of the relationship, but also difficult to make that decision to leave, as you still have feelings for your partner who you once really loved and enjoyed so much. The question ‘what is love’ is often at the core – is this love? And, is this enough love to sustain us for another 20, 30, 50 years?
It is so important to get support to work through these issues prior to deciding to separate, otherwise your feelings of loss may be overwhelming, and you may find yourself worse off after the separation than you were before.
2. Are you truly ready for separation or are you just threatening?
Separation is often threatened, especially in heated arguments for the following reasons;
• Out of anger and frustration of not knowing what else to do.
• To try and get your partner to listen to you and understand your perspective.
• To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.
• As a wakeup call for both of you that the relationship is faltering and something needs to happen.
People who consistently threaten separation can lose credibility. According to Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, when someone is genuinely ready for separation, they can sustain the following thought "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their partner without any blame or animosity. If you are not there yet there are many services to help.
3. Is the option to separate a sincere decision based on clarity or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
To be ready to separate from your partner means being able to make clear, unemotional decisions that you can sustain over time. This means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions often do not last and if acted on, do not resolve the underlying problem. People who separate out of anger often stay angry even after the separation is over.
It is a common myth that if you are unhappy in a relationship you need to separate. According to a poll conducted by marriage researcher Linda Waite, 86% of couples who reported their marriage as “unhappy”, later reported an improvement in their marriages with three fifths reporting five years later that their marriages were “quite happy” or “very happy”. She reports that permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare among the couples who stick it out.
4. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of separation/divorce?
Separation brings change and often grief because there can be the loss of more than just the relationship and may involve the loss of the "happy family" dream or the loss of your best friend. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce, it is important to prepare for this time and have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed. It is so important to know that you have tried all you can to resolve the issues before you separate.
One of the consequences of separation is to face another person's pain, be it your partners, children's, your family or friends, because separation from a long relationship affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing the divorce, you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your relationship in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences.
To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following potential changes;
· Finances, standard of living and lifestyle
· Family traditions and rituals
· Children’s emotions including sadness, frustration and resentment
· Your own feelings of sadness, loneliness or insecurity etc
· Making all your decisions by yourself
· Not being in control of your children when they are in another household in shared care arrangements
People can sometimes "jump the gun" when they are having relationship problems. Their minds immediately go to the idea of separation and divorce, because often things in the relationship have deteriorated to the point where they don’t see any other options and separation is so common that it’s becoming the ‘norm’.
As with many other areas in our life, relationship skills can be taught and learned. Our relationships are created and built by our communication. The difference between a relationship that lasts and one that breaks down is generally directly related to communication, conflict resolution and the connections created together. The willingness to devote time to learn and practice the skill of conflict resolution and communication can change relationships deeply and significantly and make them more sustainable.
Iris Krasnow wrote a book called Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wife’s and Other Perfections. After dozens of interviews of divorced and remarried couples, the author concludes that although life is different in second marriages, the challenges of stepchildren, the ghosts of ex-spouses do not necessarily mean life is better. The author’s conclusion: “You might as well love the one you’re with. What you get with someone you believe to be smarter and sexier are often even bigger problems than the ones you left behind. This is from dealing with step children, exp-spouses, new girlfriends, boyfriends or new marriages, and the realization that the same issues are surfacing again and again, because you took your own imperfect self with you, and from that there is no escape.”
So how can you be sure if you stay or leave?
Being really clear about the issues in the relationship and that you have exhausted all possibilities of working through them in a way that is satisfying to both of you.
Relationship Mediation (RM) helps a couple understand the source of conflict, work through issues and helps them clearly envision and create a positive future whether they decide to stay together or separate.
RM helps you both get really clear on what is working well in the relationship and what needs to be addressed. It gives you a chance to lay everything out clearly and objectively in a supported environment.
RM gives you the space and support to have those important difficult conversations. RM is not counselling and does not seek to delve very deeply into the past or interpersonal, psychological issues. It supports you to communicate more effectively and work skilfully through issues.
A couple works with a trained mediator or sometimes 2 mediators, who use dispute resolution techniques to help define the issues and gain a deeper understanding, discover hidden interests and creates options for breaking impasses and improving the couple's conflict resolution and interpersonal communication skills. The mediator facilitates communication between couples.
What is the difference between Mediation and Couple Therapy?
Therapy is usually more long term, mediation is usually between 2-4 sessions.
Mediation is not to take the place of therapy and couples may be encouraged to continue therapy with a skilled relationship counsellor. Therapy is performed by a mental health professional and involves therapeutic analysis and insights. Mediation is focused on communication and a Relationship Mediator has some understanding of Family Law.
Mediation is a more practical approach to solving conflict based on clear communication and dispute resolution techniques. The process of mediation models effective conflict resolution, constructive communication and leads to a deeper understanding of issues and conflicts. The mediation process is a structured step by step process the mediator supports you through with a clear focus on the steps to move forward.
Supporting your relationship is not a choice of one method over another, counselling or mediation. Often, knowledge is gained by the couple's efforts to understand the source of conflict in mediation and communication is improved, while in marital therapy the couple gains insights into the psychology of the relationship and provides more emotional support. A troubled couple should use all the resources available to overcome the conflict and keep a family together. If one or both of the parties suffers from depression, addiction, or other problems, individual counselling can be helpful.
A marital mediator on the other hand, offers a practical approach to conflict resolution. The parties identify the current issues and brainstorm options for resolution, closure and ultimate agreement. The mediator supports clear effective communication. RM teaches couples long term conflict resolution skills applicable for any conflict, in any situation, at any point in time.
Why see a Relationship Mediator vs. a Divorce Attorney?
You would see a Relationship Mediator when you still have some hope that the relationship can be saved, you see an Attorney when you want to find out the reality of separation if you are sure you want to separate or even if you are hoping to rescue the relationship but want to get an idea of the reality of separation. An attorney can help you understand what happens legally if you divorce. A divorce attorney can paint the “worse case scenario” so you can make decisions in the best interest of your future and the future of your children based on current family law. A mediator also has insight by way of experience, of what happens to couples who divorce. They understand what happens in litigated cases or when mediation or collaborative divorce process is involved. Many times, however, couples say, “we don’t know how we got here” and RM can help clarify that separation is the right course of action to avoid the whirl wind of emotions, anger and miscommunications that set couples on an emotional path to financial and emotional chaos. RM can help set you up for an amicable separation if that is the choice you come to.
Many couples in divorce mediation have said that if they had known what they learned about conflict resolution in their divorce mediation while they were married, they would not have needed to separate. During the process of mediation, the couple learns new techniques to identify and address conflict in their own relationship and how to work through them skilfully. The couple will create options for dealing with conflict not only in their own relationship, but also in other areas of their life.
The types of issues that couples bring to RM are:
· differences and issues with parenting including discipline and how to manage children with special needs
· school and education choices
· dividing the chores and responsibilities
· career changes
· financial issues and how money is being spent
· managing issues around extended families, in-laws and step families
· intimacy and sexual issues
· infidelity and trust issues
· cultural and value differences
· communication patterns and how to handle conflict in the relationship including criticism, contempt, stone walling and defensiveness
· setting up a trial separation
· any past issues that are still simmering in the background and impacting your relationship
It is so essential to have specific conversations around any issues before you make the decision to separate. In many cases a supported conversation can help resolve many issues and rebuild your relationship.
Resources:
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/
https://iriskrasnow.com/_pages/book_surrendering_marriage.htm
