3 Essentials to Doing Conflict Well

KNOW YOUR HOT SPOTS

What are your triggers, the topics that get you heated up and are difficult to discuss.

Where do you start to “lose control” or “flip your lid” and your emotions boil over.

Be familiar with the warning signs you are starting to get triggered (clenching jaw, shallow breath, racing thoughts, frozen abdomen).  Have some strategies to help defuse and cool down so you can come back to thinking clearly. Choose to be more mindful by pausing before responding.

Managing your triggers doesn’t mean giving up on what is important to you, but allows you to discuss more skilfully.  

Know your partners Hot Spots – talk about this together when you are in a good space, as a topic of exploration and getting to know each other deeper (not to tell your partner how bad they are for blowing up like they do!). 

Once you know your triggers you can prepare yourselves and plan for a discussion around these topics setting a specific time when you are able to talk it through and setting boundaries.  

Be mindful of your wording when describing your triggers.  “I feel really worked up when I start to talk about how we are going to finance the loan”, rather than “You really piss me off when you talk nonsense about the loan”. 

TIMING

Don’t just spring a difficult conversation on your partner. 

Set up a time when you are both well rested, not distracted, stressed or hung over.

If an issue arises, and it is not the right time for you, state this very clearly “I really want to work through this, and I don’t think I am up to discussing it very skilfully right now.  Can we make a time …(on Saturday afternoon) to go through this in more detail” Do make a specific time so it doesn’t seem like you are brushing it off. 

Ideally, to prevent issues building up and festering, set regular time aside for a Relationship Check In with your partner. Create a safe space together to go over any issues and difficult topics.

DEEP LISTENING

When your partner brings up an issue or is ‘having a go at you’, instead of responding in the usual ways, pause, take it in, and reflect back non-judgementally what you heard and what you understand is important to them. 

You don’t have to agree with them, just listen and reflect back what you heard, and ask “is this what you mean?” You can then say “Tell me more” to allow them to go deeper.   Allowing your partner to express themselves and go deeper with their story often reveals their underlying needs and values.

Doing this can improve communication enormously, changing the tone from combat and defending yourselves, to deep understanding and collaboration.  Reflecting back what we have heard and understood in a caring way, allows other to feel heard and understood. When your partner feels heard and understood they are more likely to relax and be able to listen to your point of view and what is important to you. 

Getting to the bottom of what is really important for both of you is the first step before moving into solutions. Underneath a strong argument there is usually something important for both of you.

When it is your turn to express yourself, focus on what you would like rather than what your partner did wrong.  “I’m really pissed off because you’re so lazy” is better worded “I’m really frazzled and hoping for some help with the evening routine”

Remember, it only takes one person to change to improve communication in your relationship.