Halloween Conversations

My teenage daughters have always loved Halloween.

I have always detested lollies and sugar at Halloween.

How can we have a skilful conversation around this topic with our kids?

I have faced this issue many years now as my girls have absolutely loved Halloween, even more so than Christmas.  My aim has been how to support my kids to enjoy the Halloween festivities they love, and nurturing their inbuilt need and developmental stage for autonomy, maintaining respectful communication, building self-awareness (which includes self-control and moderation), while also holding dear my values around health and being a significant influence in my kids life.

Luckily I’d had some Nonviolent Communication training before having to embark on the initial conversations with my girls about 10 years ago. 

The first key to success I found is to discuss this ahead of time, not when you are about to go out trick or treating.   I first named it, and asked permission to speak together – “Hey girls, can we have a chat around the lollies you will collect while out trick or treating?”.  This is usually received well as I am conscious to remove any judgements or wrongness in my tone and body language and choice of words.  If they detect any implication that they are wrong and I know best would instantly put them on the defensive or put them off even discussing it.  We had a certain level of trust already built so they usually say “Yep sure Mum” with the tone of here we go again!  If they said or implied no, I would wait and bring it up another time.  In the background I’m doing my own internal processing to keep clean of judgements while staying strongly connected to what is important to me.

Our conversations usually go something like this:

·       We would have agreed to talk about it

·       I would allow them to explore and discuss what it is they love about Halloween and explore deeply and really get into the excitement and detail about it with them (empathy).

·       Once they feel really heard and understood and I understand what is most important to them, I would then ask if I can let them know some of my concerns and what I am hoping for. 

·       I would then speak along the lines of how I really value our health and us feeling good, and its so important to me to be careful about what I feed my body and those that I care for and love.

·       I would also highlight that I also think it is really important that they enjoy Halloween and love to give them as much freedom to be themselves and make their own decisions as possible, so would like to find a way that they can enjoy Halloween and also how to look after their health. 

·       “Do you have any ideas?” This is super important step as it really sends a message that this is a collaborative conversation, not just me telling you what you should do. When humans are involved in coming up with solutions that are meaningful and make sense and they have been involved with making they are much more likely to stick to it.

·       Don’t jump to any idea too soon but keep the options coming and do a bit of reality checking around the options. You are looking at how it will work in real life. Asking questions like “How do you think this will work if your sister gets more lollies?” “What if everything in your basket is so great you don’t want to give any away?”  All the time keeping any judgements and implication that you know best out of your tone and words. You can be honest and talk from your experience with overindulging with it clearly stated that this is your experience.

Some of the strategies we have come up with together over the years are:

·       We have a nutritious meal before going out so they are not hungry and their little bodies are more able to handle the inevitable sugar rush.

·       They will keep their favourite selection of lollies and then make up little gifts for those that didn’t go trick or treating (our neighbours, grandparents, teachers etc).

·       They take out their favourite selection and I pay them in cash the approx. value of the rest.

·       They ration out an amount for each day and I then ask them if they would like me to hold them in case they can’t resist (this is usually after they have had a few lollies and are feeling satisfied). One daughter usually says yes and the other invariably says no. 

·       As they got older I have also asked if they can take some Super Green supplement with each serve of lollies, and they agree as this is as easy as swallowing a couple of tablets.

·       Another strategy from Soulla Chamberlain  (Start Anise Organic Wholefoods) is to create healthy alternatives “it’s not about deprivation, it’s about healthy swaps”

There are probably plenty more strategies to help meet everyone’s deeper needs, and I encourage you to start the conversation with your younger ones if this is an issue for you, and see what ideas they come up with. If they come up with their own ideas rather than an authority telling them what they have to do, they are more likely to stick as they will be meaningful to them. This builds trust in your relationship – something I have valued now my girls are teens. This also builds their creative, collaborative and strategic thinking which is a useful lifelong skill.

Have they always stuck to the plan? No! The second year, my eldest daughter over indulged (they are generally ‘deprived’ of lollies) and made herself quite ill and vomited.  After that she asked me to hold her Halloween treats and give her quota to her daily. Now a few years on she is much more interested in the event and the costumes and not as interested in treats but has her specific favourites that she self regulates.